~Smile~

That woman…I have long since forgotten her face. But I still remember her. My memories are intact and I remember it all. I remember her laughter, her warmth and her smile. She was my mother. Yes, she was but she changed, after father died, her eyes lost their joy, and became vacant.

She began to burn pictures of him. I think she was trying to forget about father. She would throw fits and start to cry without reason. She was so deep in the dark; I couldn’t save her.

That was the time, when she stopped smiling. When she became afraid of everything, even me. That was the time, when she started to hurt me.

“I hate you! I wish that you never existed!” again and again those words burn into my mind. I can see her there, with tears down her face, her hands covered with my blood, screaming.

Whenever I was there, she would always be crying. And when the glass cut through my skin, she would laugh in ecstasy. And when the crack of the leather snaps the air, she would shiver with thrill. I never cried when she touched me this way, if it made her happy, anything. It did not matter to me if I could see the red of my body. My mother would never hurt me.  

Smile. Please don’t cry, mother. I am here. I am death. Smile, mother. Be happy. You are free now.

All I every wanted was for her to be happy. I wanted to have her smiling again. It did not matter to me what price I would pay. But I wanted her smile, so I could pretend that she loved me. That small, moment of bliss, when the corners of her mouth lift I go weak and feel myself melt away. But it’s only a moment, and then the would-be smile is gone.

I felt the warmth of her as she picked me up. Then, something cold slipped through my body. I do not cry out. I feel my fingers trace her tired face.

“It’s so cold, mother. Why? What is it?”

I am a child, mother. Can you not see what you have done? You took my right of love, my right of joy, my right of a childhood. You cannot do this to me. But I shall let you, if you pay. If you pay with your warmth and your strength, if you pay with your love and your joy.

You began to date again. You began to search of another man. But at night, I can see you there. Crying, wanting to see father. But he is not there. I am. You would blame me for everything that has gone wrong. You have a child, and that ruins your chance of another man. I look like father, haunting you and giving you guilt. It’s okay, mother. I have a plan. I promise. That you will smile. And be happy.

I had a plan, the perfect plan.

On one of those rare days, when my scars have faded, she would take me shopping with her. I know the way well. There aren’t many people on this street. I think that she feared that people would notice my wounds. More people would mean more chances of people seeing abuse. But then why would she take me outside in the first place? Guilt, of course.

It was so perfect.

I began to run, away from her. I ran as far as I could. I could hear people behind me, calling. I do not hear my mother. I had checked the time not long ago; it will be today.

I can see it! The rail tracks. I run towards them. When I stop, I’m right in the middle. As I turn around to see if she would be behind me, I hear a faint clank, the sound of wheels on the track.

There she is, standing in front of me. I cannot see her eyes. She is not smiling. But she understands. She knows what will happen.

clank clank clank clank clank

The moment is vast.

clank clank clank clank clank clank clank clank clank

I can see her eyes now.

clank clank clank clank clank clank

They bare into me, and suddenly I'm afraid, I want to run, I don't want this...and then.

clank clank clank clank clank clank clank

She smiled.